A holistic perspective on parenting.
Author’s note…
Let me just say at the outset of this article that most of what I have learned about parenting...I learned from my mistakes. I have written a book, tentatively entitled, “And so we dance.” The dedication of the book reads…
It is profoundly humbling to be a parent. You love them deeply, they drive you crazy, you drive them crazy, and you make mistakes. Many mistakes. Mistakes you carry with you always. I don’t mean you carry these mistakes with you as a form of self-inflicted suffering or punishment. I mean you willingly carry them forward with you as reminders of your humility, your humanity, and your fallibility. And, you can choose – consciously - to learn and grow from your mistakes with your children.
I too, like all of you, carry my mistakes as a parent with me, but I have learned – powerfully – how to make those mistakes work for me in better serving my children now. I have learned to love them – and accept them – unconditionally. I have learned how to stand by and allow them their own journey, with minimal and respectful interference on my part.
I have learned that the best way, the most “complete” way to love, honor, and respect them…is to allow them to experience.
Though I may not always agree with their choices, I fully respect their right to choose. Their free will is inviolate – sacrosanct – to me.
In any event, this article is dedicated to my son and daughter, whom I am now able to love with my whole heart; a whole, healthy, open, and mature heart, which was not always the case.
It took some doing, but what changed me most profoundly as a parent was that I learned to love me well. I learned to create a life I love from within me, rather than from outside of me. I became an example of certainty, intimacy, and fulfillment for my children. I started “being” a whole, healthy, evolving person, rather than “doing the good parent.”
So, to my son and daughter, thank you. I see you and I love you.
As you begin this article, it may not seem as though it relates to parenting. Please persist and read on…
It is not up to any other person to provide you with happiness and fulfillment; not lovers, friends, parents, spouses, children, gurus, etc. They cannot “make you” happy. Just look at the phrase, “make you happy.” Indeed, if someone other than you is “making you” happy, they are, in a sense, doing so by force. They are pushing or pulling you to be happy. They are forcing the natural flow of your energy to flow in an unnatural way. If you really wanted to be happy, you would be making your Self happy. Period.
So, someone else “making you” happy may work for a while, but eventually it becomes dysfunctional. You will deplete them, or they will become tired of the energy required to “make you” happy. Or, they will simply be baffled about the whole situation and give up in frustration and/or exhaustion.
So, in the end, you will not be happy for long; because no one can create an experience for you if you cannot create that experience for your Self. So, you cannot fully know what authentic happiness feels like for you unless you have had the experience of creating it within you.
You can believe that what society, your lover, or your mother says is happiness…is happiness. You can believe that happiness is created by all kinds of things from family and sacrifice, to lingerie and lipstick. But until you experience happiness and fulfillment within your Self…you will not “know” happiness. And no one can provide you with knowing, except you.
Energetically – from a physics perspective – we cannot share, nor receive, what we do not possess.
Many people spend their whole lives pursuing happiness outside of themselves, only to discover at several different crossroads in their life – in particular the “middle age crisis” – that none of what they have pursued has provided lasting or sustainable happiness, enjoyment, or fulfillment.
Is that the experience you want to pass onto your children?
What if we raised our children to know how to create happiness and fulfillment for their own Self, rather than seeking it - with anyone or anything - outside of their Self?
What if we were raised in this way?
Would we be better parents?
Would we all be thoroughly - and happily – engaged in a process of creating more and more happiness and fulfillment in our lives – and teaching our children how to do so – rather than spending our lives pursuing happiness and fulfillment to no avail?
From a spiritual perspective the greatest gift we can give our children is the ability to create, generate, and sustain happiness from within.
And, the most powerful way to impart this gift is in who we are being. People, including little people, always learn more from who you are being, rather than what you say or do.
Once again, it is simple physics. You are energy. You are composed of energy. And your energy (your electro-magnetic field) reacts and responds to all of the energies around you. So, a child who grows up with a parent(s) who loves their own Self well, will undoubtedly benefit not only by what he/she sees the parent “doing” to love their Self well, but also by how it feels to be around that parent. Who a parent is “being” profoundly impacts the child.
A parent with Self-acceptance, Self-worth, and Self-love imparts that to a child by osmosis. Really, when you think about it, is there a better way to teach a child their own value than to have them hang out with a parent who genuinely values their own Self? A parent who physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually loves who they are and is creating a life they love is an inspiration to any child.
When a child lives with a parent/caregiver who is more often than not responsive, open, learning, and growing, that becomes their experience. And from that experience they come to “know” what is possible for their own life. Then they can readily draw from their own experiences – rather than from society or the media – to create a life of happiness and fulfillment for themselves.
Life is what we experience. Love is what we experience. What kind of experience do you want to provide for your child? Whatever that is, the best way to provide it...is to “be” it.
If on the other hand, a child is raised by a parent(s) who is reactive, domineering – or passive – and opinionated, then that will be the child's experience. They will then model their own behavior - and their beliefs - on that experience. Then they will build their life believing that these behaviors will provide them with happiness, enjoyment, and fulfillment. Only to discover later, just like their parents, that authentic and sustainable enjoyment and fulfillment eludes them.
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